yesturday: 166.8

Ok this has nothing to do with food, but instead very much so with life. Zach and I have a song "how to save a life" and we got in a big fight and to try and fix things I sent him part of the lyrics to that song, seems he didnt get it until last night, so he suppose to call me or something. Joel called me at three am last night, and I was pissy and asleep and got an angry voicemail, well seems he's over it. Natalie today is looking at duplexes for her to live in. I cannot believe Natalies moving away to go to school. It's just Columbia and she's already been in college two years but, she's doing it full force. She's getting a new home. While I as well am moving away from home, back to Warrensburg. It's kind of scary but we're all growing up and I guess that does happen from time to time. so heres to that. oh and 17 days till im out of high school!

sick

Breakfast
-Glass of orange juice
Lunch
-3 crackers
-half glass of sprite
Snack
-Cherrie limeade
Dinner
-Chicken Lomane
Snack
-Ben and Jerries Cherry Garcia (1 bowl)
-glass of water

I've puked up most of that so yea....

no more

I'm done weighing myself everyday... it doesnt work.
Snack
-60 calorie Granola Bar
Lunch
-Dbl cheeseburger from mcdonalds
-water
-160 calorie oreo packet
Snack
-Trail mix packett
Dinner
-chicken
-bow tie pasta
-Ceasar salad

I went to the YMCA for 45 minutes so it wasnt too heavy and I've stopped weighing myself everyday

160!

Okay I did not blog my food journal the last two days because it was not pretty. So I here I am starting again. lol.
Breakfast
-90 calorie granola bar
Snack
- Bag of mini chips ahoi
Lunch
-Sushi and bottle of water
Snack
-Starbucks Venti Tazo Chai tea iced
-bottle of water
Dinner
-Steak
-baked potato
-cranberries
-bow tie pasta

I went to the YMCA and ran a mile and a half and did some walking and bike and the glider thing. I cannot believe Im back to my mexico weight!!! I know thats alot of weight to lose in a few days but I've been working out ALOT and I've been bloated for two months so I dunno.

I think I miss you most on Wedensdays and Saturdays

I was laid with some heavy news today, it shouldn't even effect me really but somehow I feel like everything is changed. It seems while I'm trying to live my own life other people are creating not only a new life, but growing someone to live it with them. man. I'm supportive but it just doesn't feel right. Maybe I'm being selfish I don't know. Did it have to be her, I mean it will be cute as hell I don't doubt that but my god why did it have to be her? I know I shouldnt be feeling these things. When I found out thought it shocked me completely I mean... I don't know. Help me?

"I'm losing you and its efortless"

For the longest time I have tried my hardest to hang on to the part of me who was absolutly in love with life. The me that had been the life of the part. Shes left though, I lost her and it was completely effortless and it hurts like hell. I mean physically hurts. The last part left me today though, the part of me that could do WHATEVER, WHENEVER and did not give a damn about anything. I guess maybe that person is still apart of me but it's like... I called a friend a man whore. I really did that. And I was angry at him for being that way but even more angry at the fact that I said it. How dare I say that! Especially after last year where... well just ask Kim. I mean I've become that person who judges others and doesn't think a think about it. Maybe I just miss it. I mean my life down there was amazing. Every weekend was litterally a party and now that I'm here it just hurts. Oh how I want so badly to just graduate and be done with high school. To be done with all of it. sigh

Worn Thin

Ugh... it seems no matter how often I leave town and take a break, I still feel like I'm worn thin. Then there's zach and that whole thing right there is enough to make me scratch my head and sigh aloud. Just the same though, I do love him, and he helps me escape a bit. Is this what it is like being a senior? God I hope not, I dont know if I can handel two more months of this. So today is Yings birthday, happy birthday ying, I miss you. I think she knows that though. So theres this book banning thing at the library. A grafic novel (like a comic book) has caused some up roar. I'll be honest though, it is a bit racy for a book, I mean not only was it written but it was pictures. hmmm.

166 or 168

Okay so it's time I confess.... I tell people I way 166 which is 1 pound away from what I weighed when I came home. Well when I came home the YMCA scale said 163 and the YMCA scale adds on three more pounds from the doctors scale. So while I've been telling everyone 166 the YMCA scale has always said 168. So it's times I stop lying to myself. I mean hell ill still drop the number by three and tell people something different. but my weight is my business... so yea

hmmmm

I've been keeping busy lately so I haven't had time to THINK about IT. Meeting new people is always cool and I've been busting my rump on trying to get into college because i really need to do that. and I need to find a job. hmmm.... well last weekend was a BLAST zach and I both got what we needed me: to have intamecy without feeling easy and him: to get laid, seems we both came out on top. I think we are going back up there in a few weeks not too sure. Just thought id update.

Rain

it's a rainy day, and I don't mean that metaphoricly, I mean it's litteraly rainy, thunder and all. Kind of nice really, I mean a day where I can just do nothing (even though I'll do something). I don't have any homework though, which is good, I mean I just need to study for a few tests that I have this week, but not too worried about it. Still miss Mexico, which still sucks. But due to the drop in gas prices tickets are really well priced, like $530 round trip, so I might try and buy the tickets before too long. I went to a film festival on Friday and that was actually REALLY cool, and go to meet Geroge A. Romero which was pretty cool. Kind of inspired me to actually try and make a movie. Ah well, I'm going to get off here. Wish me luck this week. Ciao

do to me your worst

Just got back from the YMCA. I hadn't been all weekend and I really worked it today. Okay well not as hard as some might work out but it was a pretty good workout for me. I'm down to 166, woo hoo almost to when I came back. Things are getting easier, it doesn't suck any less but it sucks alot less often. I really do wish I had some idea of what I was going to do with my life because right now I haven't a clue... I mean I know but I.... oh screw it. Things are falling into a pattern here in a sense, all the while I'm trying to get out. I need to get a job soon, mom fired me, lol. It is kinda funny. Well I gotta get home and do some homework, wish me luck. Buenas Noches los todos

lately

Ive been thinking about mexico ALOT lately. It's hard. I called Javi the other day, it was good to talk to him, I hadnt talked to him sense I've been home. I was thinking about it today and I thought if I could give anyone the best advice on the after shock of youth exchange, I think the best thing I could say is to keep breathing. Take it one step at a time, litterally one foot infront of the other and no matter how much it hurts being here, I'll get through it. Well the whole cross country thing didn't work out so well. But hey I gave it three weeks. School is school and nothing else, I'm working my hardest to get through it. Well I found out a friend from Mexico is sick, and that really got me down, Im hoping to maybe go down there for a little bit in December, and spend New Year down there. I would so LOVE to do that. I mean you don't even know. So while I am working at Perchhill I'm trying to get an extra job so I can maybe go. Oh I don't know. Mom says I'm crazy but she hasn't a clue of what I'm going through inside. Im writitng about Mexico now, not all at once like I had initally planned but a little at a time, litte stories, and writing the first one is kind of hard. The first one is when I met Oscar :(. Well Im gonna go. bye

Uh huh

Hey ya'll. Had the Rotary welcome back thing yesterday. It was good to see everyone, and it kind of made me sad to be back. Just to hear people talking about it again. I've been doing cross country lately and so far so good, it's not that bad. School starts soon and I'm so ready for it to just be over with. I mean hell what am I talking about? I don't even know for sure what I'm doing after HS even though I have been excepted to a school in LA. wooo hooo. I'm seriosuly considering taking a semester off to just do stuff. Work and travel I think. I'm working on my latest story Un Ano Sin Ti, so I hope that goes okay.

Lately

My goodness. Is it really already August. Well no, but tomorrow is. I swear it feels like I just got home. Anywho... Still in the 170 range and have been running alot and trying to get the weight back down. Moms birthday is tomorrow and so a bunch of us are going to a baseball game, that'll be fun. I've been working like crazy latelt, working two jobs now. In Natalie's words I'm working at The Hill (Perchhill), and I've been babysitting alot lately. The kids are so cute. I've gotten two of my five college applications in (yea me!) and am working on getting the rest of them in so I don't know. I've been writing like crazy (ok I've just been writing) alot lately. Natalie gave me some sad news days ago, and I felt bad for her (even though it wasnt specificly her), it's just sad though. Well Im gonna go. cioa

170

Okay everyone Ive been working out like crazy (kind of) and my weight got up to 175 (ick) but Ive now got it back down to 170. So thats good. Going to chicago next week and looking forward to that. So yea I dont know, things seem to be getting better lately, on the whole post mexico front. Ive called fernanda in brazil and ying in thailand so thats good. Im now working two jobs which is good I guss it brings in the cash so thats good. Going to the lyceum tonight that should be fun. So yea thats all I got see ya

July

Okay I decided at the beginning of June that July would be my month to get fit. So I've started towards that. I still eat what I want (mostly) I just don't eat alot of it. I've dropped the soda and am drinking water and tea. I did college papers all day so I didn't get so much exercise in, but I did just walk a little over 2 miles, Im guessing two and a half maybe. I'll let you know next time I blog. Right now though I currently weight 170. So let's see what I can get down to by the end of July. I think 160 would be great. Thats how much I was when I came home from Mexico and I think alot of it is just soda and water wieght so it shouldnt be too hard to get it off if I just stop eating fast food all together... or alot less of it. So here goes nothing...

Mi corazon

Ok so it seems the guy I liked in Mexico didn't like me... but his friend does.. hmm. Been doing college crap lately and today my head was on overload so Im shutting it down and letting the heart take over. Heavy heart tonight. I'm baby sitting tomorrow for a bunch of kids ALL DAY. it wont be that bad. Money to use next weekend when I go see counting crows in concert... which should be good. Ugh things have just been happening lately that just make me want to run screaming. But that wont help any (well it never has thus far). Im still not done with college stuff, but Im close, and chicago is coming up soon. Woo hoo! I got my hair cut the other day, I like it, nothing drastic just a trim. Seems people are finally realizing that I have changed sense before mexico. My grandma told my mom that when they came to see me I was exactly the same but she can see now that I've grown up alot. so whatever. well Im going to get off here, buenas noches y dulces suenos

Changes

So I painted the room, its really purple but I like it. I'm still working on getting the furniture where I want it. Then come July I'm going to diet and work out like CRAZY. I need to lose some lbs Ive gained sense I got back and then some. Got poison Ivy and that SUCKS so I did the whole medicen thing a couple weeks ago, but it didnt work and now my ankel is all swolen and mom doesnt want me walking on it. Which means I get to go back and see Doc Ryan again today. I dont mind much though, doctors offices dont get to me too much. Ive been working on the novel and college aplication crap alot lately. I need to do college essay crap today, Im hoping to have the first aplication in by friday at the Chicago Institute of Art. Yea wish me luck. Well I'm going to go watch Fox and the Hound DVD (chloes at camp so im borrowing it). I'll try to write again soon. Ciao

Reinvention

So I'm still adjusting a bit, and yes I still cry from time to time. Just the same though Im finding a way to become who I was there and who I should be here, finding a way into putting that into one person. It's taking time but Im doing it. Reinvention I guess in a sort. First Im cleaning my room and designing that how I want it, then I'm going to get to looking how I want, and lastly and along the way and figure out what part I shall play for the next seven months until I go to college. Seems I chose to play a park in Mexico and I was told I gave an Oscar worthy performance, so I just have to make a new character. Wish me luck...

Reinvention

So I'm still adjusting a bit, and yes I still cry from time to time. Just the same though Im finding a way to become who I was there and who I should be here, finding a way into putting that into one person. It's taking time but Im doing it. Reinvention I guess in a sort. First Im cleaning my room and designing that how I want it, then I'm going to get to looking how I want, and lastly and along the way and figure out what part I shall play for the next seven months until I go to college. Seems I chose to play a park in Mexico and I was told I gave an Oscar worthy performance, so I just have to make a new character. Wish me luck...

A little confused

I sat watching the movie, it was one of those feel good movies and I went back to one of the best moments of my life. I remember when I saw the words "Congradulations from Rotary Yo..." and that was all I read before my life change forever. I would be living in another country for a year. That was the best feeling I've ever felt, when you finally get something you've always wanted. I just jumped up and down and cryed.
So adjusting isnt going as well as I had hoped it would (nothing hardly ever does) but just the same its ok. Seems everyone knows that Im tattooed and pierced, or that I almost died. Theres moments when being back isnt so bad then theres times like when someones trying to explain how to play horse shoes where I just think "holy shit Im in Missouri" yea so im gonna go though.

Im baaaack

So it seems I finally came back, and I can honestly say that coming back was one of the hardest things I will ever do. Just the same though Im adjusting and its going ok so far, mom and I went car shopping yesterday and that was ok. I know I only got back friday night but it feels like I have been back here forever so I guess thts the way it goes. Well going to lunch with grandama and I shall try and write soon. Buenas suerte para todos.

Then there was three

Hey all I got three days left and any more Im not feeling anything at all. Yea Im sad but whatever. I almost drownd in the Ocean last weekend... that was fun lol. dude last weekend kicked ass, this house was AMAZING. It had a pool and like five maids it was just amazing. Fernanda wasnt acting so much like herself, not sure why. So I started packing today and I'm washing ALL my laundry which may very well take forever. So Im finally ending things and it feels really weird that its all over. Well not yet but Im right at the finish line and its scary as hell. This weekend rocked though it was really just alot of hanging out and none of us had to pay for anything so that was REALLY nice. We all had alot of fun though. After the whole almost drowning in the ocean thing, I was laying in bed that night and looked over at Ying "Hey Ying... Thanks for saving my ass today" Then she replied with. "I almost lost your ass" that made me laugh. I cannot imagine what I will do without her or Fernanda. Well Im going to go so I shall see all of you possible in the states

Nine months today

Fact is I left Kansas city International air port nine months ago today, but it seems like it was last week. Just the same though it is time I go home, and Im not the least bit happy about it. However I will finally admit it. Last night I couldnt sleep so I started unpacking my things (hang in there ill explain). You see I usually keep alot of my things in my bags and such, but I figure I might as well unpack everything so it can make it more managible to pack everything next week. A week and two days is all I have left and all I can really say is "Where in the hell did the time go?" Mom said something on the phone this morning about maybe me graduation early, Im not too sure what I think about that, maybe I should go back first and feel things out before making such a big decision. Just the same though its becoming more and more difficult to fight back the tears that are inevitably going to roll down my face eventually.

PARTY PARTY PARTY

Okay so the partying hasn't began yet. But it starts on Thursday and boy am I looking forward to it... even though I hope the time would just stop so my fun would last forever. Did the garage sale thing today, I made a while 15 pesos, ten for a shirt and 5 cause I let this guy look at my belly button... yes I have two. Right now Im listening to "Two Piña Coladas" by Garth Brooks and thats getting me in a good man. Even though I can't stand Piña Coladas too much. I like the ones without alcahol. Going to the disco tonight and looking forward to that.

Homeward bound

I love mexico, as I am sure you can already tell and just the thought of going home right now makes me want to cry. How can I leave this place? I think about it and my heart breaks, it feels like I have sooo much time left, and then I look forward and realize I don't. Allan is leaving on Tuesday and I was looking at him last night and it litterally felt like I just met him yesterday. It also feels like just last week I was calling mom and confessing that I didnt know if I could last 250 more days. Now here I am with thirteen days left and I'm grabbing every moment.

Kimi

Kim is a different one. She's from Wisconson, and makes it seems like it's some whole other country. She is kind of like me when I was 12 I guess. I mean she doesnt really know how to do her hair, or how to dress nice. I bitch at her about everything (including her) and while Fernanda and Ying are my best friends, there are soemthings I can talk to Kim about that Fernanda might not understand (as far as American issues i mean). She says she wants to be a nun and whether or not I really believe that is byond me. I mean I think she's far to curropted to ever be a nun honestly but then theres other moments when I'm not soooo sure. Just the same though she listens to me, and tells me wht she thinks, most of the time. There are times when I feel like she can't even hear me and the feeling sucks. Who am I kidding though? I'm sure I make alot of people feel like that. How did I become this person?

Mexico

When I came to you, you opened your arms to me, giving me a place to sleep. Then as time slowly passed it felt as though you were pushing me away, like you wanted me to go back where I came from. I didn't listen, but then there were times when I was tired of you telling me to leave. Well eventually we warmed up to each other and seem to get along quite well. Then we finally became best friends, you whispered into my ear "it's time for you to go". I sit here, understanding every word you've been saying to me this whole time. You held my hand when I needed you to, you partied with me when I had no one else, but when I got a little out of control you helped put me back in my place. When I walk the streets I feel you hug me, when I'm with my friends youre with me too. You never questioned or judged of who I am, maybe just a bit at first. I realize when I say goodbye, you know I'll be coming back, and you will wait for me, as you can not come and visit me. You are a true friend... you are Mexico

Fer(nanda)

We sat there together sipping our thai chi teas and eating our Krispy Kreme doughnuts. We reflected over the past year and what our feelings on going home are. We had gone to Cuernavaca for the day, just to do some shopping and it was needless to say that we both had a good time, it was good just to get out of Taxco for the day. It accoured to me as I was sipping my cook drink that this might be the last time in awhile that her and I would have an adventure together.
We both became close friends right before everyone left on the Ruta Mya trip. With Ying gone and both of us not going it only made sense that we would hang out. It didn't take long for me to figure out that despite first impressions, she was nothing of the shy girl I had taken her to be last October. We laugh together about random things, she goes to the discos with me. It's funny, it seems time to time she says to me "Oh Lee!" and it can be taken in two ways, one way would be after a story from the night before, or the other might be in a sense that she's sad and can't think of anything else to say. She also has a way of sayinf "Oh Lee shut up!" which as well means one of two things 1) You need to shut up or 2) I already knew that but don't want to be reminded of it. She's fun, she amazing, she's a great friend, I have no idea what I'm going to do when I go home and can't talk to or see her everyday. You see back in the states I never had a friend that I hung out with everyday or would talk to everyday. And I honestly can't express how much I will miss that. Te amo Fer.

Ying

I'm going to take some time in the next few days and right about some of my friends that I have here in Mexico. Tonight it's Ying.
She was my first best friend in Mexico, I met her at CEPE, we were both in the same class, and I loved her name. Ying. When the Mexicans would say her name they would pronounce the Y as a J so I started calling her Jing. She was the calmer side of me, the sensible voice inside my head, and even today she still kind of is. I remember one time I was talking to her about my fears and worries of the world, while she was cooking eggs and she just looked at me and said "When the time is right you will know" and all I said was "What was that? You damn fortune cookie" and then another time I was sick, and convinced I was dying and she said she could fix me because she was a doctor. Then she left for a month and I became friends with Fernanda. Well Ying and I will be hanging out sometimes and it's not like it use to be but it's still pretty good. Then she will say something or refer to herself as Dr. Cookie and I just wonder how I will ever live with out her around. She's so funny. She's calm when she's angry, she dosent let you know that you upset her, there are so many things in her that I wish I could be myself. When ever we get off line I always say "Love Ying" which is my way of saying I love you she use to say "I know" or just "you too." I will miss her when I go. Guess all I can say is Love Ying

Final steps

I got my credits today, and along with getting them came a sense of acomplishment... not really. I kinda went to class the first part of the year and now it's over. No more school, well I will probably go again but we shall see how all of that goes.
For the first time in my life I was given a chance to really do something that would make me decide what I actually thought about things. To not be influnced by the opinions of others. I was forced for the first time to look at myself and wonder what I honestly thought of the person looking back at me in the mirror. There was one time when I looked in the mirror and had no idea who was looking back at me. Just the same though alots happened sense that time. I still am unsure of what I think about a lot of things, but I'm sure a lot of us are feeling that way these days. When I came here I was unsure of what this year would be as I had only viewed the exchange expierence by watching someone else live with the title. It has been nothing short of what I expected. Even though I think when I came here I didn't know what to expect. Does that make any sense? My friends are always telling me that I still have three weeks to find my love story for this year, well to be honest I think I got it long ago. There was a love story with Oscar, with Erick, with Alfredo, with Seth. There was so many kinds of love stories there but if you look at it from afar you realize it's just one big love story.

The calm before the storm

All was silent and it was just a matter of moments before the clouds would break and the rain would fall... well still waiting for the rain. I have a high feeling however that it may get ugly. The wind has been blowing and Kims waiting for the rain and I just tell her "eh its just god throwing his weight around." And then theres a sound that sounds like thunder but it's fire works. I have yet to figure out the fire works thing... something to do with the churches or something. I think I'm going to Cuernavaca with Fernanda on Tuesday we are both in dier need of new clothes. I should probably go home pretty quick, try and beat out the storm. Nothing better than waiting for a convi in the rain. Well I shall go, wish me luch

It's too early (casi 12:00)

Today shall be one of those days where everything seems to come off as unbelievably funny. I guess that's what I get for going to bed so late and got up so..."early". Conversations are somewhat intertaining between me, the gringa, and poland... not too sure why this guy is just kind of humerous. Listening to some Nora Jones. Not too sure why, but I like her stuff. I suppose it's cause mom plays it in her office (www.perchhill.com) and so when I hear it I kind of just think of her, so I guess thats nice. I downloaded some Bob Segar music the other day, seems my friend didn't like it too much, says its sounds like "crap", I told her she was crazy. I guess we just grew up differently. I can't imagine growing up any other way than I did though. So that's just me. Well I think we are going to order some pizza for a little morning after food (not to sure morning after what...)

moments after

The music played as I looked over at the waitor. I knew him from long before so it seems, he just looked at me and we both smiled. Just the same though, it wasn't closure. I danced with the same guys, and maybe a few more. Would this be the last time I would come here? I guess only time will tell. Someone came to me from afar, as I had been eyeing him all night. He wasn't my normal "conquest" if you will. Just the same though I left a little confused. What do you do when you feel like your whole year has been a big blur? When you feel like you've gotten everything you came here for. No one can believe I am leaving so soon... nor can I. Where did this year honestly go? I have no idea, I can't imagine having to get on that plan destined for Atlanta Georgia in 19 days. Buenos Noches y ducles sueños

Killing time

Yea I really need to find something better to do with my time. Yea Yea Yea I know, I'm in Mexico I should go expierence. Yea well theres not too much too expierence right now... nothing I haven't already seen or done. Well in a bit I'm going into Taxco, then going to the disco (which should be fun), hope it goes better than last Thursday. Just incase you're wondering, the results of Thursday night were felt on Saturday morning. Might go shopping tomorrow, with Javi, Alto, and Fer, but I wont find out till nine or so. Well I'm going into Taxco now, wish me luck.

Intro

Ok I don't know what to say really... Guess I might as well give some kind of intro as to who I am... or someting like that. Okay so I'm 17 and slowly ending the year that has been nothing short of amazing. I have been spending the last eight months in Mexico, studying for my junior year. I only have three weeks left and needless to say am dreading the idea of leaving my life here. People ask me what my hobbies are... and well I don't know what to say. I guess back home my hobbies are writing mostly. It's my talent, I wont deni that. But is it what I honestly want to do for the rest of my life? Not too sure. I'm thinking about film... it's always interested me. So I'm 5'5 (which in Mexico is considered tall), green eyes, brown hair... not like any of that really matters. I guess I'm at a point right now where I'm not too sure about most things in my life, and that can be a bit scary. A friend told me that when I go home I need to make sure not to let myself go... what if I don't know who I am when I go home? How can I loose it? I'm confident (borderline cocky), arrogant (just a bit), concieded, head strong, stubborn as hell, a good friend, a person who likes to have fun, loving, caring, strong, I know I am these things... but does that really define who I am or are they just character traits?