Racism

I apologize if this affends anyone... if the right people read it... I know it will. I was raised to not be prejudice I was raised to believe that we are all created the same. When I get angry though... I throw shit and scream aloud. When my roommate gets angry it becomes threats and finger waving. Granted, she's black and so somehow their anger seems so much more bigger. I have no idea why. It's not just my roommate who's been like this, her DA gay friend showed me the same lack of respect. I hate that I'm using words in a way of sterotype because normally it's not like me... at all. But here I am talking about my angry black roommate and her dumbass black gay friend across the hall. So how did I become like this? Like my father :s. Even mexico made me a tad bit more racist. I know not all black people are the same, I've had some great friends as such. So where do you seperate fact from fiction?

Racism

I apologize if this affends anyone... if the right people read it... I know it will. I was raised to not be prejudice I was raised to believe that we are all created the same. When I get angry though... I throw shit and scream aloud. When my roommate gets angry it becomes threats and finger waving. Granted, she's black and so somehow their anger seems so much more bigger. I have no idea why. It's not just my roommate who's been like this, her DA gay friend showed me the same lack of respect. I hate that I'm using words in a way of sterotype because normally it's not like me... at all. But here I am talking about my angry black roommate and her dumbass black gay friend across the hall. So how did I become like this? Like my father :s. Even mexico made me a tad bit more racist. I know not all black people are the same, I've had some great friends as such. So where do you seperate fact from fiction?

Sex

It's a three letter word. Short and sweet but very seldom all that simple. It can change a persons life or simply fill a temporary need. It comes with baggage and a luggage rack. It's a mistake, but a wanted one. How can such a small word bring on so many feeling and so many thoughts, so many complications? One reason it's not meant to be taken lightly and even when it is, it comes back to bite you in the ass. Beware my friends sex is a dangerous thing that should not be messed with without knowing the reprocushions.

yesturday: 166.8

Ok this has nothing to do with food, but instead very much so with life. Zach and I have a song "how to save a life" and we got in a big fight and to try and fix things I sent him part of the lyrics to that song, seems he didnt get it until last night, so he suppose to call me or something. Joel called me at three am last night, and I was pissy and asleep and got an angry voicemail, well seems he's over it. Natalie today is looking at duplexes for her to live in. I cannot believe Natalies moving away to go to school. It's just Columbia and she's already been in college two years but, she's doing it full force. She's getting a new home. While I as well am moving away from home, back to Warrensburg. It's kind of scary but we're all growing up and I guess that does happen from time to time. so heres to that. oh and 17 days till im out of high school!

sick

Breakfast
-Glass of orange juice
Lunch
-3 crackers
-half glass of sprite
Snack
-Cherrie limeade
Dinner
-Chicken Lomane
Snack
-Ben and Jerries Cherry Garcia (1 bowl)
-glass of water

I've puked up most of that so yea....

no more

I'm done weighing myself everyday... it doesnt work.
Snack
-60 calorie Granola Bar
Lunch
-Dbl cheeseburger from mcdonalds
-water
-160 calorie oreo packet
Snack
-Trail mix packett
Dinner
-chicken
-bow tie pasta
-Ceasar salad

I went to the YMCA for 45 minutes so it wasnt too heavy and I've stopped weighing myself everyday

160!

Okay I did not blog my food journal the last two days because it was not pretty. So I here I am starting again. lol.
Breakfast
-90 calorie granola bar
Snack
- Bag of mini chips ahoi
Lunch
-Sushi and bottle of water
Snack
-Starbucks Venti Tazo Chai tea iced
-bottle of water
Dinner
-Steak
-baked potato
-cranberries
-bow tie pasta

I went to the YMCA and ran a mile and a half and did some walking and bike and the glider thing. I cannot believe Im back to my mexico weight!!! I know thats alot of weight to lose in a few days but I've been working out ALOT and I've been bloated for two months so I dunno.

I think I miss you most on Wedensdays and Saturdays

I was laid with some heavy news today, it shouldn't even effect me really but somehow I feel like everything is changed. It seems while I'm trying to live my own life other people are creating not only a new life, but growing someone to live it with them. man. I'm supportive but it just doesn't feel right. Maybe I'm being selfish I don't know. Did it have to be her, I mean it will be cute as hell I don't doubt that but my god why did it have to be her? I know I shouldnt be feeling these things. When I found out thought it shocked me completely I mean... I don't know. Help me?

"I'm losing you and its efortless"

For the longest time I have tried my hardest to hang on to the part of me who was absolutly in love with life. The me that had been the life of the part. Shes left though, I lost her and it was completely effortless and it hurts like hell. I mean physically hurts. The last part left me today though, the part of me that could do WHATEVER, WHENEVER and did not give a damn about anything. I guess maybe that person is still apart of me but it's like... I called a friend a man whore. I really did that. And I was angry at him for being that way but even more angry at the fact that I said it. How dare I say that! Especially after last year where... well just ask Kim. I mean I've become that person who judges others and doesn't think a think about it. Maybe I just miss it. I mean my life down there was amazing. Every weekend was litterally a party and now that I'm here it just hurts. Oh how I want so badly to just graduate and be done with high school. To be done with all of it. sigh

Worn Thin

Ugh... it seems no matter how often I leave town and take a break, I still feel like I'm worn thin. Then there's zach and that whole thing right there is enough to make me scratch my head and sigh aloud. Just the same though, I do love him, and he helps me escape a bit. Is this what it is like being a senior? God I hope not, I dont know if I can handel two more months of this. So today is Yings birthday, happy birthday ying, I miss you. I think she knows that though. So theres this book banning thing at the library. A grafic novel (like a comic book) has caused some up roar. I'll be honest though, it is a bit racy for a book, I mean not only was it written but it was pictures. hmmm.

166 or 168

Okay so it's time I confess.... I tell people I way 166 which is 1 pound away from what I weighed when I came home. Well when I came home the YMCA scale said 163 and the YMCA scale adds on three more pounds from the doctors scale. So while I've been telling everyone 166 the YMCA scale has always said 168. So it's times I stop lying to myself. I mean hell ill still drop the number by three and tell people something different. but my weight is my business... so yea

hmmmm

I've been keeping busy lately so I haven't had time to THINK about IT. Meeting new people is always cool and I've been busting my rump on trying to get into college because i really need to do that. and I need to find a job. hmmm.... well last weekend was a BLAST zach and I both got what we needed me: to have intamecy without feeling easy and him: to get laid, seems we both came out on top. I think we are going back up there in a few weeks not too sure. Just thought id update.

Rain

it's a rainy day, and I don't mean that metaphoricly, I mean it's litteraly rainy, thunder and all. Kind of nice really, I mean a day where I can just do nothing (even though I'll do something). I don't have any homework though, which is good, I mean I just need to study for a few tests that I have this week, but not too worried about it. Still miss Mexico, which still sucks. But due to the drop in gas prices tickets are really well priced, like $530 round trip, so I might try and buy the tickets before too long. I went to a film festival on Friday and that was actually REALLY cool, and go to meet Geroge A. Romero which was pretty cool. Kind of inspired me to actually try and make a movie. Ah well, I'm going to get off here. Wish me luck this week. Ciao

do to me your worst

Just got back from the YMCA. I hadn't been all weekend and I really worked it today. Okay well not as hard as some might work out but it was a pretty good workout for me. I'm down to 166, woo hoo almost to when I came back. Things are getting easier, it doesn't suck any less but it sucks alot less often. I really do wish I had some idea of what I was going to do with my life because right now I haven't a clue... I mean I know but I.... oh screw it. Things are falling into a pattern here in a sense, all the while I'm trying to get out. I need to get a job soon, mom fired me, lol. It is kinda funny. Well I gotta get home and do some homework, wish me luck. Buenas Noches los todos

lately

Ive been thinking about mexico ALOT lately. It's hard. I called Javi the other day, it was good to talk to him, I hadnt talked to him sense I've been home. I was thinking about it today and I thought if I could give anyone the best advice on the after shock of youth exchange, I think the best thing I could say is to keep breathing. Take it one step at a time, litterally one foot infront of the other and no matter how much it hurts being here, I'll get through it. Well the whole cross country thing didn't work out so well. But hey I gave it three weeks. School is school and nothing else, I'm working my hardest to get through it. Well I found out a friend from Mexico is sick, and that really got me down, Im hoping to maybe go down there for a little bit in December, and spend New Year down there. I would so LOVE to do that. I mean you don't even know. So while I am working at Perchhill I'm trying to get an extra job so I can maybe go. Oh I don't know. Mom says I'm crazy but she hasn't a clue of what I'm going through inside. Im writitng about Mexico now, not all at once like I had initally planned but a little at a time, litte stories, and writing the first one is kind of hard. The first one is when I met Oscar :(. Well Im gonna go. bye

Uh huh

Hey ya'll. Had the Rotary welcome back thing yesterday. It was good to see everyone, and it kind of made me sad to be back. Just to hear people talking about it again. I've been doing cross country lately and so far so good, it's not that bad. School starts soon and I'm so ready for it to just be over with. I mean hell what am I talking about? I don't even know for sure what I'm doing after HS even though I have been excepted to a school in LA. wooo hooo. I'm seriosuly considering taking a semester off to just do stuff. Work and travel I think. I'm working on my latest story Un Ano Sin Ti, so I hope that goes okay.

Lately

My goodness. Is it really already August. Well no, but tomorrow is. I swear it feels like I just got home. Anywho... Still in the 170 range and have been running alot and trying to get the weight back down. Moms birthday is tomorrow and so a bunch of us are going to a baseball game, that'll be fun. I've been working like crazy latelt, working two jobs now. In Natalie's words I'm working at The Hill (Perchhill), and I've been babysitting alot lately. The kids are so cute. I've gotten two of my five college applications in (yea me!) and am working on getting the rest of them in so I don't know. I've been writing like crazy (ok I've just been writing) alot lately. Natalie gave me some sad news days ago, and I felt bad for her (even though it wasnt specificly her), it's just sad though. Well Im gonna go. cioa

170

Okay everyone Ive been working out like crazy (kind of) and my weight got up to 175 (ick) but Ive now got it back down to 170. So thats good. Going to chicago next week and looking forward to that. So yea I dont know, things seem to be getting better lately, on the whole post mexico front. Ive called fernanda in brazil and ying in thailand so thats good. Im now working two jobs which is good I guss it brings in the cash so thats good. Going to the lyceum tonight that should be fun. So yea thats all I got see ya

July

Okay I decided at the beginning of June that July would be my month to get fit. So I've started towards that. I still eat what I want (mostly) I just don't eat alot of it. I've dropped the soda and am drinking water and tea. I did college papers all day so I didn't get so much exercise in, but I did just walk a little over 2 miles, Im guessing two and a half maybe. I'll let you know next time I blog. Right now though I currently weight 170. So let's see what I can get down to by the end of July. I think 160 would be great. Thats how much I was when I came home from Mexico and I think alot of it is just soda and water wieght so it shouldnt be too hard to get it off if I just stop eating fast food all together... or alot less of it. So here goes nothing...